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I had transfered to a new college, and I had one good semester with two good roommates. However, we were sick of living in a triple, so next semester we decided to get doubles. They knew each other longer and decided to room together. The only other guy I knew who didn't have a roommate was someone I'll refer to as Stink (his last name was actually a synonym for smelly). I did know his last roommate moved out after the first semester, and he spent the second semester alone in a room which smelled awful by the end of the year. I thought maybe I could prevent this if I stopped it early.... how wrong I was.
In addition to being a slob, he was also an alcoholic (or at least aspiring to be). I started off by giving him fair warning that if he pukes on our carpet I would not clean it up and I reserved the right to punch him in the face. Unfortunately, this didn't come in handy.
Anyways, one day I walk in the room to see a large ball of toilet paper with a face drawn on it in marker, sitting on his bookshelf. Not even having to ask him, he says "I made him on the toilet, his name is Wilson." Sad? It gets worse. A month later some friends and me take "Wilson" and throw him down the steps and tear it up (it was revenge for him leaving ketchup packets on the floor for people to step on). He enters the room and immediately notices that "Wilson" is gone, and asks me about it. I told him the truth and he shuffles himself to the bathroom with his head down, only to come back 30 minutes later with an even bigger "Wilson".
In addition to being wierd, he was completely oblivious to the fact that someone else lived with him. He'd listen to music from his computer on his headphones, but it didn't make any difference with the volume on it's highest (I could make out all the lyrics).
The stupidest moment was when he wouldn't let me turn off his music he was playing off his PS2 at 4:00am because it was "helping him write his paper", or so he put it. I don't think he went to bed until about 6:00am. So to get back at him, I woke up at 10:00am to go to breakfast with my friends. I opened all the windows to let the brisk winter air in, turned up my speakers and played an hour long comedy routine as I walked out the door. I came back to hear him say, "Oh you left your speakers on when you left." and then "Do you know why it's cold in here?" (Keep in mind we live in a dorm room, the window is in plain sight).
My real revenge came when I was able to switch rooms for the next semester, but before I left I had the room to myself since he was home for Winter Break. I started with pouring a strong cologne all over his bed and clothes(to help his new roommate deal with the smell). To top things off, I put rancid mayonaise and eggs in a small dish and left them in his fridge over the month long break. The sad thing is, when I went to toss out the evidence at the end of the break... the room didn't smell any different from it's original foul smell.
I got lucky, because the worst of him came out after I moved out and the freshman moved in with him. One night he got drunk off 2 liters of a box of red wine by himself at 8:00pm on a Monday. Only to throw up all over his room and all over the bathroom, leaving the stink to sit for near a week. Oh, and his freshman roommate ended up cleaning up the mess in their room. What does this poor soul get in return? He wakes up to the sounds of Stink grunting and touching himself while standing over the freshman's bed and looking down at him.
About the Author
dan the roommate man
www.roommateexpress.com
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